Not quite at Keenan-quality, but I'm well on my way.
You'll know that I've nailed it when you see me on
the tele being arrested for hustling kids in local roller
hockey games. Stupid kids.
GRAND GREAT WALL
(subtext is just a picture of the Great Wall of China)
Almost felt attacked by the lady who answered the phone.
Like, I don’t know if she’s been having a rough day or something, but don’t
come at me with that shit. I’ve almost never heard someone so aggressively
answer a phone. Other than that, pretty run-of-the-mill.
All I can say is: Holy Shit. Emphasis on the capital H and
S. Clocking in at a hot 12 minutes flat, this is easily thefastest delivery I have EVER had the pleasure
of taking part in, and I know FOR A FACT these guys are at least 8 blocks away.I had to run downstairs IN THE MIDDLE OF MY
PHONE DELIVERY REVIEW to grab my shit from this bozo. SO fast. Jesus H. Christ.
Grand Great Wall has been knocking my Grand Great Dick (just
a hyperbole. It’s super dinky) way back up into my torso all night. That shrimp
eggroll was about as good as any other shrimp eggroll I’ve had, and maybe this
is the beer talking, but this Beef in Curry Sauce is absolutely, and I mean
almost gratuitously, CHOCK FULL O’ BEEF. I expected, at the very least, a very
formidable amount of veggies, hence my ordering of the large. But good god was
I wrong. I’ll just say this: anyone who WANTED a healthy amount of vegetable matter
to go along with their protein intake today would have been severely disappointed.
And this beef…bringing the heat. Spicy as all hell. Ok…just found goldmine of
onions. An onionmine.
Blown. Away. These bitches really fucked up my radar. Had
no idea they rocked so hard. They are a SOLID 8 blocks away from me and made it
in record-fucking-breaking time. Food was bangin’/on point (and/or fleek).
These bastards gently took my tits directly off of my body, and blew them away
like dead leaves in the brisk autumn wind. Recommend. Wish I could give them a
Phenomenal. Like one of those clever “Oh, let’s go to That Burger Place,” kinda names. Like a
botched, Chinese-English version of ‘something.’ “Babe, what do you want tonight?”
“Eh, let’s just get sum’hin good.” BOOM. Sum Hing. And then capping it off with
a sub-sentence so expertly foreign, butchered like meat at a deli…played me
like a fiddle. If I want cheap exotic food, I want it to be cooked by guys with
a VERY basic grasp on the language of the land. Fucking nailed the part.
Right off the bat, this guy was all business, to the point,
no bullshit. “Hello! Sum Hing. What do you want.” They say a little courtesy
and pampering the customer goes a long way, but these guys know the game.
They’re not trying to sell me something. I’m just trying to buy. That, or he
just didn’t have much English. Regardless, ordering lasted about a minute.
The Waiting Game:
I’ve been sitting here for about 15 minutes. Waiting for
that phonecall, because, again, don’t want to risk my lameass roommates talking
And the eagle has landed! Shit’s here and all accounted for.
Total time: probably 17 minutes, and they ran the phone gambit like a pro.
Pro tip: you always run the risk of getting Shanghaied with
a shitload of veggies and not a lotta meat, so it’s always a good idea to
Google Image search your dish before you order, just so you don’t get boned.
I’m gonna pop on the Italian Job with Marky Mark while I chow on this Pork Lo
Mein. Haven’t ever sat through the whole thing, and last time I watched it I
ended up bumpin uglies with some babe (hey ;) you know who you are).
Incidentally, weirdest situational bang-movie: Human Centipede.
Ok so the Shrimp Eggrolls or Shrimp Springrolls, or whatever
they are, were off the charts, per ushe. Little skimpy on the shrimps, but they
are simply marvelous. Love ‘em. AAAAND just as I suspected, a proverbial
butt-load of veggies, ALL UP INSIDE my goddamn Pork Lo Mein. Not ruining the
experience at all, however. Tastes great. * Side Note * Along with forks, has all of Eastern Asia just not discovered
cheese? Nothing from that region seems to be cheese-based. [Backtracking 2
sentences] SPEAKING OF aforementioned ‘suspect’ things, that is the EXACT word
I’d use to describe Mos Def’s acting abilities in this movie. And the mechanic
guy. Marky Mark too a little bit. J Stath. Really this whole movie. I’ll give
it 3.5/5 stars. This grub, however, gets a well deserved:
OVERALL: 8.25/10 (average score)
I’ve eaten here before; I’ll eat here again. I’m
running out of room on this page. Recommend
Never been turned on by a real-life Asian girl, but the lady
who answered my call took my order SUPER seductively. Soft voice, lots of
breathy “ohh, ok, nice,” just strung me along and tickled my pickle the whole
time. Closest I’ve come to a phone sex hotline. MORE IMPORTANTLY, this dame asked
how I was before even diving into the business hole of things. The language barrier
did impede a little bit, as expected with these sorts of interactions, but not
The Waiting Game:
Solid 35 minutes. Not great. Honestly started to suspect my
lameass roommates of tomfoolery, possibly intercepting my meal for themselves,
since, you know, I was wearing my BEATS BY DRE (#namedrop #sponsorship), and
those shits cancel out noise like a muh. OH, also, big misstep; specifically
asked lil Miss Phonesex to have Mr. Delivery Dickhead call my phone rather than
ring the bell. That way I don’t run the risk of my aforementioned lameass
roommates having to answer the call and end up interacting with me. She took
the request like a pro, and he did not ring my phone. Straight to the doorbell.
Someone fucked up and it wasn’t me.
Just ate the Roast Pork Eggroll and decided to write a
review, so I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that that was pretty fucking good.
So are the Shrimp Eggrolls. To be honest, a little dipping sauce to accompany
both of these would have been phenomenal (I tend to be a pretty avid
sauce-man). I think I got Beef Chow Mein or some shit. Wasn’t SUPER good,
considering they dropped about a half and onion into it (literally, it 2 full
pieces of a quartered onion. Savage maneuver, if I do say so myself), but it’s
not the worst Chinese dish I’ve ever eaten. I’m gonna go ahead and pop a quick
6 on this one and get on with my life.
OVERALL: 6/10 (averaged score)
Bottom line: I’ll go ahead and recommend this restaurant.
First impressions are a big thing, and after being suckered in with the sexy
phone lady, Good Taste came to bat with those fucking eggrolls. Couple lapses
in the middle kept them from performing to the utmost I know a restaurant can
perform, but I won’t hold it against them.